As if in a blur

 I had forgotten about my attempts to become some sort of blogger. In an update I am still particularly miserable yet still feel joy somewhere in my ribs. I can't get enough of Clonazepam but if I want to move on I have to depart from them. I'm not prepared to make that choice. I'm afraid to be anywhere but my mind. The only place I have ever succeeded in. 

You may notice I have activated ad-sense hopefully I can get some pocket money for fixing my computer before it dies.

all in all being in love is keeping me alive

I need Lydia Davis to teach me about memory. Until then..

Silence

Finally attached the camera and what do you know, it's been a while since that fuck has shown up nearby. Cat's sick. Taking him to the vet this week.

under the sun of satan

Money is coming in more fluidly and faster. I think Karin might be sick, I'll take him to the vet soon. I really need to find the strength to be more expressive here. I'm not sure what I set out to do with this. Sure I wanted to make a journal and keep track of my mood fluctuating but I've just been in automatic. Life is better as a drone.

Such cuteness

fuck it

Spring rain

It hasn't rained. Maybe it did. Who knows? Signed up to be certified and volunteer as a crisis counselor. Helping people has helped me in a way find a purpose. If I can't save myself then maybe I can save someone else. That's how I'll find salvation in the end.

I mounted a camera and downloaded an app to take a picture of that fucker and get notified on my phone.

Refills on Wednesday. My cat keeps getting bigger. Had another dream about her last night.

what the fuck

The weirdo from a bunch of nights ago is calling me again. The last time this happened I went outside and there was no one there. I live near a place infamous for drug dealings and what not and most of those people know me from high school so I'm assuming it's a tweaker. I'm gonna try to set up some way to take a photo of him or something.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charcoal-burning_suicide

Should be easy, right?

I know you've been reading. I need you to save me and give me that last push I need to go over the edge.

There is a pain - so utter -
It swallows substance up -
Then covers the Abyss with Trance -
So Memory can step
Around - across - upon it -
As One within a Swoon -
Goes safely - where an open eye -
Would drop Him - Bone by Bone -

- Emily Dickinson

Here is no why..

Reading these past entries worry me. I have no memory of them. Been forgetting my broken heart. Someone learned to mend it back together. All those past voices lacking self-awareness will burn though they don't see it yet. Something improbable but not dry.